Candid

courtesy of Steven Liang

Withdrawal

Been a month since I wrote on this. Honestly, Tumblr is more fun, but this is when I want to write without feeling like I'm being too emotional.

Will edit later. Dance performance done. I'm in withdrawal. I'm a physical, emotional, and mental mess right now.

Whatever.

I say “Whatever” too much. It might be a defense mechanism from saying what I really feel and think, to numb myself because it is a lot easier than letting out messy feelings and thoughts. By saying “Whatever”, I think that they just disappear, but I realize I just bottle it inside and add another layer to an already elephant thick skin. A friend of mine said that if you get to a pattern of saying something one way, say it in another, or what you say becomes a habit. Another friend said to surrender. So here it goes: I’m disappointed, embarrassed, and hurt. I feel neglected and rejected. I feel a little cheated. I think it’s for the best though, because I don’t want something I know won’t end well to linger further than it should. I’m glad I took initiative. I’m hopeful for something new. I don’t think I’m looking back. I’m a great guy. There.

International earthquake relief begins arriving in a devastated Haiti - latimes.com

International earthquake relief begins arriving in a devastated Haiti - latimes.com

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freaking the fuck out

this morning, my sister called to tell me that i needed to take my mom to the emergency room. my mom had chest pain this morning and her left arm has been numb for weeks. my sister, a nurse, speculates that it might have been a mini-stroke. i took my mom even after she said she'll just see the doctor two weeks from now. i know that waiting will just make the situation worse.
times like these just put me on panic overdrive and then i still think about aspects of my life that i have no control over. like _______. based on his actions, i can tell he is not interested in pursuing anything other than friendship, if that. i'm disappointed because i think he's a good guy, but he's not giving me anything to work with. another one bites the dust, i guess. i hope we can still be friends though. the thing is, i guess i don't know what i want. no time for a relationship. i start caring too much even if it's a casual thing. so, where does that leave me? supremely fucked. it's a cold world out there. i won't be a part of that.

Growing Up

I am growing up slowly. One thing I'm learning is to let go of people who will not support me in my life in the way I want. I wanted to be friends with Ray. Wasn't trying real hard, though. And I saw him yesterday after Rage. We talked briefly. He texted me today and said how awkward that conversation was and how if I wanted to be friends with him, that I shouldn't be so full of shit and making excuses. Then, he sent another message saying my new frames are ugly and he's only telling me this as a friend.
I know I've hurt him by saying I wasn't interested in him as a boyfriend, but these exchanges made me realize I didn't want him as a friend either. I don't want his energy in my life right now. I need, I crave, affirming individuals in my life right now. Not people who are intentionally (although he denies it) trying to hurt me.
I had to pull the plug on that before it got any more damaging.
Today, I intended to talk to my mom more about me being gay. Since I told her via letter almost 2.5 years ago (wow, that long), we haven't talked about it since and she's in denial. I tried to bring it up again on the way back from church, but I got scared. I thought I'd be braver, but the words never exited my mouth. This is what I wanted to say: "You may not like me being gay, but I just want to put it out there again since I want to more honest with you. And whether you like it or not, I hope you still love me."

on science

today i realized that i will sacrifice my science for my art, but at the moment, not my art for the science.
Do I even still want to be a scientist? I continually ask myself this. Maybe that's a reason I feel like I'm not doing a great job. I should give myself a deadline. End of June. There. To decide whether to continue or not.
In other news, I'm sick. Kinda. Hosting two couchsurfers: Natalia and John. John knows I'm queer. He says he's straight. But I'm still paranoid about the Brettman incident. I don't really want to get propositioned for sex again by a so-called straight man.
Tonight, drinks at Gold Room!

I'm A Dork

I've never really been cool and I don't really want to try to be anymore. It's too much work. I'm satisfied with my comics, reading, gardening, etc that I do. I guess I'm thinking about this now in terms of how I want to come across, whether it be a potential mate or potential employer. I should be comfortable being who I am in front of everyone.

In other news, one of my favorite uncles from the Philippines, Tito Joe, just learned he needs to undergo heart bypass surgery. It's going to cost us $6,000 equivalent. By us, I mean the relatives in the US. It's a known fact among Pilipinos that those privileged enough to move to the US must somehow support many of their relatives in the Philippines. How this system came about may have stemmed from the Marcos administration and even before, but in my opinion, this system is inherently wrong. I'm not a millionaire and probably will never be and for the most part, most Pilipinos in the US aren't either. We have jobs, work day in day out, we sacrifice to give to those we love and care about in the Motherland. In my opinion, the Philippine government needs to figure out a system to be able to support the health and education of all its citizens, and not just the rich. That being said, I will contribute to my Tito's bypass fund. I think what he's done to me surpasses any monetary value I could give.

I am trying to save money this year. A just in case fund. Just in case I get fired, I quit, the world goes to shit, and other worse scenarios. I'm a fairly positive guy, but I also gotta be realistic here. Disasters happen. So, I hope no more family emergencies pop up for me to dip into my savings.

Don't Freak Out

So much to do this week!