Candid

courtesy of Steven Liang

Withdrawal

Been a month since I wrote on this. Honestly, Tumblr is more fun, but this is when I want to write without feeling like I'm being too emotional.

Will edit later. Dance performance done. I'm in withdrawal. I'm a physical, emotional, and mental mess right now.

Whatever.

I say “Whatever” too much. It might be a defense mechanism from saying what I really feel and think, to numb myself because it is a lot easier than letting out messy feelings and thoughts. By saying “Whatever”, I think that they just disappear, but I realize I just bottle it inside and add another layer to an already elephant thick skin. A friend of mine said that if you get to a pattern of saying something one way, say it in another, or what you say becomes a habit. Another friend said to surrender. So here it goes: I’m disappointed, embarrassed, and hurt. I feel neglected and rejected. I feel a little cheated. I think it’s for the best though, because I don’t want something I know won’t end well to linger further than it should. I’m glad I took initiative. I’m hopeful for something new. I don’t think I’m looking back. I’m a great guy. There.

International earthquake relief begins arriving in a devastated Haiti - latimes.com

International earthquake relief begins arriving in a devastated Haiti - latimes.com

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freaking the fuck out

this morning, my sister called to tell me that i needed to take my mom to the emergency room. my mom had chest pain this morning and her left arm has been numb for weeks. my sister, a nurse, speculates that it might have been a mini-stroke. i took my mom even after she said she'll just see the doctor two weeks from now. i know that waiting will just make the situation worse.
times like these just put me on panic overdrive and then i still think about aspects of my life that i have no control over. like _______. based on his actions, i can tell he is not interested in pursuing anything other than friendship, if that. i'm disappointed because i think he's a good guy, but he's not giving me anything to work with. another one bites the dust, i guess. i hope we can still be friends though. the thing is, i guess i don't know what i want. no time for a relationship. i start caring too much even if it's a casual thing. so, where does that leave me? supremely fucked. it's a cold world out there. i won't be a part of that.

Growing Up

I am growing up slowly. One thing I'm learning is to let go of people who will not support me in my life in the way I want. I wanted to be friends with Ray. Wasn't trying real hard, though. And I saw him yesterday after Rage. We talked briefly. He texted me today and said how awkward that conversation was and how if I wanted to be friends with him, that I shouldn't be so full of shit and making excuses. Then, he sent another message saying my new frames are ugly and he's only telling me this as a friend.
I know I've hurt him by saying I wasn't interested in him as a boyfriend, but these exchanges made me realize I didn't want him as a friend either. I don't want his energy in my life right now. I need, I crave, affirming individuals in my life right now. Not people who are intentionally (although he denies it) trying to hurt me.
I had to pull the plug on that before it got any more damaging.
Today, I intended to talk to my mom more about me being gay. Since I told her via letter almost 2.5 years ago (wow, that long), we haven't talked about it since and she's in denial. I tried to bring it up again on the way back from church, but I got scared. I thought I'd be braver, but the words never exited my mouth. This is what I wanted to say: "You may not like me being gay, but I just want to put it out there again since I want to more honest with you. And whether you like it or not, I hope you still love me."

on science

today i realized that i will sacrifice my science for my art, but at the moment, not my art for the science.
Do I even still want to be a scientist? I continually ask myself this. Maybe that's a reason I feel like I'm not doing a great job. I should give myself a deadline. End of June. There. To decide whether to continue or not.
In other news, I'm sick. Kinda. Hosting two couchsurfers: Natalia and John. John knows I'm queer. He says he's straight. But I'm still paranoid about the Brettman incident. I don't really want to get propositioned for sex again by a so-called straight man.
Tonight, drinks at Gold Room!